NEW GOALS! Cobblers Post Season Plans Revealed!

 

After a long and gruelling season, most footballers can be forgiven for enjoying a well earned rest. Holidaying in warmer climates with family and friends, some are known to arrange end of season jaunts with teammates to give their bodies, and brains, a rest from the beautiful game. However, when it comes to the NTFC squad this summer, some are taking a break..with a difference!

Sam Hoskins, Death Metal Front man

Former Southampton man Sam will be swapping the roar of the Sixfields crowd for an altogether different set of avid fans, as his death metal band, Nuclear Martyr, will be embarking on a summer tour of Germany and Austria.

"Literally hours after the Barnsley match I'll be jetting off to Frankfurt. I'll be leading the line for the shoe army on Saturday, then front man for Nuclear Martyr at Wolf-Fest on the Sunday!

Many Cobblers fans might be surprised to hear I'll be spending my summer screaming dark anthems into the night sky next to a bloke with a goat skull tattooed on his forehead, but if anything, my time at NTFC has been a big creative influence on my metal career. Our most famous song, Chorus of Dysentery, is about the abuse I used to get from the West Stand when they found my final ball lacking a couple of years back. Bleak Horizon is inspired by the ongoing East Stand saga."

Mitch Pinnock: Bloke who puts bags of compost in your boot at the garden centre

Team mates often joke six footer Mitch looks like he has slept in a grow bag but this summer he'll be hauling them into green-fingered Shoppers's motors, and it's all thanks to lady luck. 

"I'd nipped into Dobbies to get a last minute bouquet for my mum's birthday" the former Southend, Bromley, Maidstone United, Dover Athletic, Kingstonian, AFC Wimbledon and Kilmarnock man explains,  "my ntfc training top was the same colour as the staff uniform and a customer mistook me for the guy who puts bags of compost in your boot. I didn't have the heart to tell them I didn't work there..then someone else asked, before I knew it I had a queue of plant mad OAPs asking me to load them in their's! I've well and truly been bitten by the bug, it's great to give something back to the gardening community. I had a word with Martin the manager and he's put me on the rota from May." 

Pinnock will have to remember to bend his knees when picking up compost and also be extra careful not to catch the bit of metal on the inside of the boot on the bag of compost as this can lead to particularly messy spillages.

Manny Monthé: Butlins Redcoat

Cameroonian Manny may be trying to emulate the on the field success of countrymen Roger Milla, Rigobert Song

and Samuel Eto'o, but from May to July he'll be trying to follow in the footsteps of Des O'Connor, Jimmy Tarbuck and Stephen Mulhern!

"Football is a short career and we all have to prepare for life after we retire. The transferable skills I have honed alongside the lads in Sky Bet League One can easily be used in the role of Redcoat. It's all about teamwork and entertaining the punters.

In my time in soccer I've been able to demonstrate a variety of talents, being versatile is part of the job description, whether its dominating at left back, filling in at centre half, sometimes getting forward for set pieces and laying on the odd assist. As a Red Coat I'll be welcoming and entertaining guests, fulfilling general duties, supervising the Kid's Club and be part of the costume character team. 

Belting out "Let Me Entertain You!" to punters at Minehead is easily on a par if not better than keeping a clean sheet against Burton Albion. Scoring against Milton Keynes Dons in the Bristol Street Motors Trophy was a pretty good feeling but is no comparison to reuniting a child with a lost toy.

And dealing with the likes of Ephron Mason-Clark in League One is a walk in the park compared to handling a load of excitable six year olds climbing around the soft play!"

Louie Moulden: Human Statue

With many players out of contract come the off season, Cobblers fans could be forgiven for expecting plenty of movement, but in the case of keeper Louie it couldn't be further from the truth! He'll be donning a silver suit with matching face paint and bowler hat and will be taking to the streets to mimic a statue. There are no doubts in the Wolves loanee's mind he'll be up to the job.

"Confusing pensioners and upsetting young children by standing motionless is something I've had a lot of practice in at Sixfields this season."

Next time: Sam Sherring sets up a detective agency 

Campaign: Over! Cobblers Late Season Slump caused by first team's addiction to Dungeons and Dragons

It's been a season beyond expectations for Northampton Town football club. Recent promotion campaigns from league two have often resulted in relegation back down to the basement division within a couple of years. 

This year however, Jon Brady's men have produced some excellent results and football. At one point fans even dared dream of the play offs, however it was a fantasy world far beyond most Sixfields regulars's wildest imaginations which has seen ntfc's season come to a grinding halt. 

"Forget the shoe army, the boys have been more concerned with the Orc army!" a first teamer, happy to speak to us if referred to by his elfish name; Ravenor Nightvale, confirmed to this blog.

"It all started during the trip down to Pompey. We were travelling down the night before and staying at a hotel. Jon Guthrie brought along a starter set of Dungeons of Dragons. He thought it would be good for bonding and team building."

The Fantasy tabletop role-playing game which recently celebrated its 50th anniversary, is a structured yet open-ended role-playing game. 

Typically, one player takes on the role of Dungeon Master while the others each control a single character, representing an individual in a fictional setting.

Jon Guthrie: Dungeon Master

"When Guthrie pulled out his polyhedral dice on the coach and asked us to fill in our character sheets the lads were bemused to say the least, but by the time we'd reached Newbury services they were engrossed in their attempt to set up camp in a secluded spot outside Cragmaw Hideout.

I'd say Jon was an excellent DM (Dungeon Master). He did a great job of explaining the rules but his descriptions of the Forgotten Realms were so engrossing you'd really get lost in the adventure! Jordan Willis got so into his excuberant bard character that even the not very observant goblins guarding the entrance to the cave noticed us!"

    The NTFC first team squad

However it wasnt long until the quest to find the treasures of the lost mines of Phandelver interferred with the mission to finish in the Sky Bet League One play off positions.

"Part of the reason we travel down the night before on some away games is to make sure we're nice and relaxed for match day. But when you've got the majority of the first team squad sneaking into a conference room and exploring Old Hawk Well until 4am on the morning of a matchday you know things have got out of hand. No wonder the lads were knackered and Pompey tore through us like an Owlbear on a rampage in Thundertree Village."

    Owlbear

The problems didn't end there.

"The boys just got completely absorbed in the D&D campaign. The players house in Upton became the official base and we put up a sign dubbing it "Stone Hill Inn". The curtains are always closed and theres figurines, goblets and candles set out to create the mood. It was initially considered banter when Marc Leonard turned up in a wizard's hat, but when he did a true resurrection spell that brought Sam Sherring back to life after an encounter with an ancient white dragon, there were genuine tears of joy from some of the lads.

        Stone Hill Inn

D&D talk at training and matchdays totally dominates now. I couldn't help but feel sorry for Jon Brady. He's trying to get us ready for the Charlton game and you've got Jack Sowerby turning up dressed up as a Gnome Cleric.

     Jack Sowerby/Mordawk Mildew

The real reason Sam Hoskins was out for so long? Mitch Pinnock dropped his Barbarian club on his foot."

There was no resurrection spell strong enough to rescue the Cobblers after their humiliation at the hands of their old rivals Peterborough United.

"Things were in complete disarray. In training the gaffer told us the plan for nullifying the threat of Jadel Katongo, and Sean McWilliams suggests luring him up on to the roof of the Meerkat Family Stand with a mirage of a treasure chest as it's likely Mormesk the Wrath will attack him up there.

    The Meerkat Family Stand,London Road 

During the game Louie Moulden kept on at the ref complaining the first Posh goal shouldnt have stood as he had a dexterity level of +3 and had thrown a 20 meaning he'd actually lept 20 feet across the goalmouth catching it easily."

Northampton Town are due to face Derby County on Saturday 23rd March, subject to the Derby squad leaving their local branch of Games Workshop on time after an all night Warhammerfest.

Cobblers Beware! Rushden and Diamonds Are On the Comeback Trail!

Northants football's biggest under the radar success story continued last night with another thrilling victory for AFC Rushden and Diamonds FC.

Diamonds were a thorn in the side for the shoe army during the late 90s and early 00s, bankrolled by Dr Martins millionaire Max Griggs, the Nene Park outfit climbed above NTFC to reach the giddy heights of the third tier. 

A memorable day out at Wembley in the 2002 league two play off saw a huge 6,000 army of fans, most of whom were related, leave the rural confines of East Northants to  experience the novelty of electricity and running water. 

But the bubble burst when Griggs pulled the plug on Diamonds financial support. Their decline saw them tumble down the football pyramid into oblivion. 

Off the pitch it was a sad day when Councillor Shep barked in agreement at Irthlingborough Village Council planning meeting, approving the redevelopment of the derelict Nene Park site into housing.

But now new manager Kyle Robinson, who recently found himself in charge of the reformed AFC Diamonds after signing up to the "find me a seven aside team" feature on the Power League app, is predicting big things for the Cobblers country cousins.

"After a shaky start we're climbing up the league, two wins in a row at any level of the game is impressive and despite the names, Beercalona FC and Man-chest hair United were tough opponents."

Robinson is expecting a bumper crowd for the upcoming top of the table clash with  Unathletico Madrid.

"Moulton Magpies Under 10s have their training on the astroturf after us and always peer through the fence".

Cobblers to Christmas! NTFC First Team Ruin Fan's Christmas!

The Festive season can be a difficult time of year. The expense of gifts and food, the pressure of shopping and the expectations of the season can make Christmas an extremely stressful time. 

So spare a thought for Cobblers fanatic Sean Hardwick, who's yuletide plans went up in smoke after a chance encounter with Jon Brady's Shoe Army!

"I decided to try and get it all done early this year. I set out on Tuesday afternoon on a mission to ensure the wife and kids had a magical experience on the big day. I was really enjoying "playing Santa", the sleigh, in my case the Ford Focus, was loaded up with already wrapped presents and I was headed home when who should I see parked up at the side of the road looking stressed but Mitch Pinnock and Jon Guthrie!"

Sean didn't realise at the time but the next decision he would make would start a chain of events that would ruin his Christmas.

"As a loyal Cobbler home and away it would have been criminal of me not to pull over and see what was up."

"Jon explained the players were doing a visit to Northampton General Hospital Children's Ward to hand out gifts, but his gearbox had given up. It was the least I could do as an avid Cobbler to give the lads and their gifts a lift up to the Billing Road. Christmas was saved!"

"While the players and hospital staff were unloading the gifts in the carpark, I walked to the machine with Kieran Bowie." 

But unfortunately this Star-man didn't appear to be "Over the Moon".

"He'd visited a sick child who'd made him promise he'd get a hat trick at the upcoming  Boxing Day clash Vs Stevenage, but wasn't sure he'd be up to it without resorting to an old wive's tale. He told me of an old Scottish Hogemany tradition which apparently all the top strikers north of the border use. Dalglish, Ally McCoist, Denis Law, Graham Souness, they'd all sworn by it and banged in hat tricks as a result."

"For the tradition to work, during the yuletide period, the person involved has to down a bottle of whisky, smash a window and win a game of cards."

"We had no choice, a quick trip to the Pickering Phipps for the whisky and after  putting a brick through the window of the off license on Abington Square, it was a taxi to Aspers casino for KB and me! It took quite a few goes on the blackjack table and unfortunately Keiran didn't have his wallet so I had to pay, but the real winner on this occasion will be NTFC and more importantly, a sick child!"

But there was bad news for Sean..

"When I got back to the car I was devastated to see all the presents I'd bought the kids and wife were gone. There'd been a mix up and they'd been given out to the patients at the hospital too! Sam Sherring  was very apologetic, but I reassured him that everyone's human and these things happen, just like when the club's chief exec and secretary didn't notice a £10m loan disappear."

As a reward for Sean's kind hearted generosity, the lads invited him to the next stop on their travels, a soup kitchen for the hungry and homeless. Unfortunately when the NTFC 'Elf' squad got there they found due to a mix up the organisers hadn't turned up, but a queue of hungry people had...

"I had no option, The Balti king was just up the road. Unfortunately none of the player's debit cards were working so I paid the bill for all comers. It really was a magical case of come all ye faithful. 

I got so engrossed in feeding those less fortunate, the evening flew by and before I knew it I was the last one there. One or two of the people we had fed were unwell. Unfortunately when I realised what time it was and what a mess they'd made on the floor (pools of sick) I realised it was time I made a move. I had a family to get home to." 

"As I ran out the door a passing car pulled over and wound down the window asking if I wanted a lift. It was Sam Hoskins. I was thrilled to see him and said how sorry I was for shouting abuse at him and posting comments online about him having no end product for years. He didn't look happy but it wasn't anything to do with harmless terrace banter. He was wincing with a mysterious thigh strain and there was nothing the club's physios or the team at the hospital could do about it. The last thing the Shoe Army wants over the festive period is their top scorer out of action. As an enthusiastic Sunday league player in my day I'd had my fair share of injuries and I knew just the place where Sam could get this particular injury treated. Sensual Temptations Thai Massage."

"Unfortunately the first three massages Sam paid for on my Visa Debit card didn't do the trick but by the fourth he said he felt much better but had to go as Jon Brady had told the lads they were having an early morning training session." 

"And by the way he'd just had a phone call from Adam Moreton, who'd told him they'd also started giving out presents to patients on the other side of the hospital and had moved my car there but unfortunately Sean McWilliams had forgotten to put the handbreak on and it had been towed as it had rolled down the hill and was blocking the entrance to casualty."

"As I travelled home that evening I was totally overwhelmed by it all. Yes I'd helped the club I love, not to mention the sick and  homeless but aside from a warm feeling inside what did I have to show for it?"

"By the time I'd walked back to Southfields it was 3am. I was shattered. I'd lent Tyler Magloire my belt earlier in the evening as he was dressing up as Santa in a food bank's grotto so my trousers were falling down and Max Dyche had spilt chutney on them in the Indian. My wife was absolutely furious, she'd been looking at the online banking app on our joint account and wouldn't let me in. She was shouting that I'd ruined Christmas and said I needed to get out of hers and the kid's lives and started chucking all my belongings out the window."

Sean was in surprisingly optimistic mood when he spoke to us from his mum's spare room this morning.

"I asked the Mrs if she'd consider letting me move back in. She said when the new East Stand is completed. Up the Cobblers!"

Posh Sold to Klingon Led Consortium

The £25m sale of Peterborough United Football Club to a consortium led by The Klingon Empire has been approved by football authorities, ending Darragh MacAnthony's ownership of the club.

The move was mired in controversy with the United Federation Of Planets' Sports and Culture Division accusing the oppressive intergalactic regime of sportswashing. 

In a translated statement, relayed to Sky Sports News over a crackly viewscreen, spokesperson L'Kor of the Klingon High Council pledged death and famine for all clubs in Sky Bet League 1 and vowed that should Darren Ferguson's men fail in their bid to reach the Premier League, their teeth would be on the throats of any rival players who did achieve promotion.

One Peterborough fan on social media  commented "Qapla the posh!". 

Another, in response to a tweet from a Milton Keynes Dons fan mentioning the atrocity dubbed "the year of horror", in which Klingons massacred millions in the Orion Sector said "cry more, it'll be a year of horror when you're getting pumped by Wrexham in league 2."

 "Chuba Akpom is destined to sign for posh and his goals will shame your ancestors" added a third. 

Posh director of football of Barry Fry told BBC Look East he was "chuffed to bits with the deal".

"I thought I'd seen everything in this game but even I admit I didn't see this one coming. I'd been doing a bit of scouting at Yaxley FC on a Tuesday night when a Klingon Bird of Prey Decloaked above the car park they share with Andy Self Storage. I'd like to say the Klingons invited me on board but it wasn't exactly an invitation. Next thing I know I'm dematerialising on their bridge and to be honest I nearly "dematerialised" a second time when they started waving their Bat'leths around after I'd warned them about the fit and proper owners test. I needed a couple of glasses of their blood wine to settle me down!"

The news follows rumours of Ferengi interest in Northampton Town Football Club  ('s land behind the East Stand) and an intercepted message picked up by a reporter from The Athletic that the Borg wish to assimilate Swindon Town.

Lepre-Gone! Cobblers Fan Lewis Tells Trickster To Do One!

Cobblers fan Lewis Tory got more than he bargained for when he ran into a Leprachaun who promised him unlimited success and riches for the league two club.

The Kingsthorpe resident was on a golfing holiday near Limerick when he stumbled upon the mythical creature while searching for an errant ball.

"I'd shanked off the tee into the deep rough and was crouching in the long stuff  looking for it when I realised I was standing near the end of a rainbow."

It was then the pint sized prankster emerged. "He actually thanked me for saving him, my ball had scared off a canadian goose who was pecking at him near the bunker. He said if there was anything he could do for me he was forever in my debt, so I said I'd be happy if he could help me get back on the fairway tbf!!"

"After he'd showed me where my ball was, I went to chip it and thought I'd caught it really thin, but next thing I know the balls on the green a few yards from the flag..result! The lads I was playing the round with weren't so "lucky", Steve's ball got magicked into a giant ostriche egg just as he made contact and he got covered in yoke, my other mate Dan's 7 iron turned in to an umbrella mid shot!"

After that Lewis got 5 hole in ones in a row while his playing partners suffered a series of mishaps including getting stuck in bottomless bunkers and having the hole come alive and spit the ball out, but it was the 19th hole where the real action began.The leprechaun magicked Lewis a giant pint of Guiness and the conversation turned to football. 

As leprachauns are said to be a solitary creatures, whose principal occupation is making and cobbling shoes, Lewis's new friend took an instant interest in the Cobblers. 

"He said anything I wanted for Town he'd make it happen, Messi and Ronaldo in the team, an 80,000 seater stadium, a state of the art training ground, back to back promotions to the top flight and then the champions league..it was at this point we fell out. I asked him, thats all well and good mate, but one question, how are you supposed to pay for it all? How many millionaires do you know mate? Who's gonna pay the bills?

"The guy was literally talking in riddles and he skipped off calling me an eejit, so called tolerant Lurigadawne of Tipperary!"

NEXT TIME: Nether Heyford Cobbler finds a magic lamp at a carboot and wishes for 200 extra seats in the east stand, the occasional promotion to league one and a contract extension for Sam Hoskins.

Breaking East Stand News!

The UN warned last night that Russia may be planning on using East Stand land deal updates on the west. Twitter, facebook and messageboard threads relating to the ongoing saga of various weathy individuals efforts to get richer off landfill next to sixfields stadium under the pretence of "expanding" it are said to have deabiliting effect on all who read them leaving many losing the will to live.

Cyberwarfare expert/journalism graduate/health care salesman David Buchanan said "its really worrying, this is just another ploy by george soros to get us to have yet another covid jab".